Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I Won a Contest!

Okay, the prize was a $25 gift certificate and a copy of this:

Snooki's Book

So I wouldn't consider it a big resume boost. But still, I won! Sarah over at Smart Bitches Trashy Books did a live blog reading of Snooki's book, A Shore Thing, last week. Cover to cover. I was glued to my computer for the duration. Absolutely the most fun I've had in a year or better. The book packed a lot of humor, all the more for being frequently unintentional, but the Bitchery outdid themselves with the commentary. If you have a few minutes scan through the blog. You won't be disappointed. My review:

I laughed. I cried. Usually concurrently. This book is to great literature what Showgirls is to great cinema.

(In all fairness I believe they did what they set out to do. It is a fast beach read sort of book and absolutely fits with the image I have from watching two minutes of Jersey Shore. There is no pretense of contention for a Pulitzer or Oprah's book club. If you think you might like it, you probably will. If you think you won't like it, you might be surprised at how much you will laugh.)

Those of us participating waited with bated breath for the scenes of teh sexxxy goodness that must surely lie within. From chapter one the MCs, Gia (Snooki in disguise) and her cousin Bella are ready to find some hot gorillas and GO! (Really. They say that. Gorillas.) I found myself particularly captivated by Bella's love interest, Tony "Trouble" Tortino (or something similarly Italian). Tony is grade A prime Guido gorilla material (again, not my words). But I found him ambiguous. He owns a gym, lives with his grandmother, fastidiously irons everything, including his sweats, obsesses on fabric softener, and wears eyeliner. (FOR REAL!) 

That is gonna be some more sexxy, right? The McLovin scene? NO! Total fade to black and check back in when the characters are picking their clothes up off the floor. I cannot tell you what a disappointment this was. The descriptions in other parts of the novel were so unique, so memorable, that we were on the edge of our seats trying to figure out what metaphors would be used for coitus. I offer these examples of the pop-off-the-page writing, the kind that really brings the scene alive:

Snappy dialogue: "I'm not a whore. I'm a slut. There's a difference."
Description: "A circle of hippies on the beach were huddled together like a family of Ellis Island immigrants just off the Mayflower. "
Mood setting"Up close he smelled grungy yet fresh, like a parking lot after a rain storm."

You can imagine the disappointment (and yes, perhaps a soupcon of relief) that there is NO ACTUAL SEX in this book. So Sarah hosted a contest. Write the missing sex scene. It was a perfect opportunity for me to explore the characters of Bella and Tony, delve into their motivations, really study them. I embraced it fully and took the plunge. Here is my best effort, in 200 words or less, at capturing the unforgettable voice and characters of Snooki's work:


“This is my room, baby,” Tony said proudly as he held the door for her. He was super classy. “Like it?”

Wow. Gia would shit herself. Animal print everywhere. The crochet bedspread had a leopard print pattern. And it didn’t even smell like Axe in here. More like…Drakkar Noir.

“It musta taken your grandmother forever to make that bedspread.”

Tony closed the door.

“Nah. I did it. I used finger weight yarn, merino/silk blend, and designed the pattern myself. If feels so good on your skin. Go on. Try it.”

She’d promised herself a hookup and dammit, it was time to follow through.

“Okay.” Bella stripped and moved to the bed. It wasn’t scratchy or anything.

“I love how your boobs stay just right even lying down.” Tony took off his shirt. His eight pack reminded her of the underside of a lobster. She wondered if it would be good covered in melted butter. He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off, revealing a gorgeous package stretching his shiny black banana hammock. When that came off, he was totally bald.

“I want you to suck my bald eagle, baby. Then we’ll get the wax and I’ll do yours."


My mom would be so proud. If she knew I had a blog. Still, I don't think I'll mention it just yet.


  1. All right, I saw the Snooki book and almost stopped reading. You really polished a turd here, though, congrats on the well-deserved win ;-)

  2. Thank you, Rick. I'll try not to let it go to my head.

  3. Thank you, Jason. Warming up for CoN.

  4. This is one cultural phenomenon which I've never had the pleasure of enjoying. (I mean Snooki, of course. What did you think?)

    I LOVE the Mayflower reference. And of course your colorful description. It is a prize well won, and I say that with full confidence even not having seen the other entries.

  5. Congratulations!

    I saw an AP interview with her on Google News called "Snooki the Author" and couldn't resist. She said she worked on the book for an hour every week, which just shows you how long she's been at it.

    And thanks for the review and excerpts! I'm so glad the folks on the Mayflower knew where to dock their boat.

  6. @ Pete: It's hard to pick just one favorite thing, like choosing between one's own children, but the Mayflower line might be my favorite.

    @ MC: The more I think about it, the more I think the ghost writer did an awesome job. This book actually reads like Snooki wrote it. I bet that was harder to do than people realize. The Mayflower line is a good example. Who would even think to jumble Ellis Island and the Mayflower together on purpose?

  7. Great point. Instead of character description, or unreliable narrator, it's supposed-author description, and hilarious to boot.

  8. Call me jealous, envious or what have you- but it pisses me off that the no talent, pancake makeup face had a book published.

  9. Jack, I think you have a lot of people in your camp!