Wednesday, March 3, 2010

In Which the Unfortunate State of My Face is Explained

We dance in our kitchen while supper cooks. The five year old pirate, the two year old princess, and Mama rock out to everything from The Beastie Boys to Tchaikovsky. "Dancing" generally starts by miming what we hear in the music. 1812 Overture, for example, has several martial interludes that are just perfect for prancing like horses.

Inevitably the free form interpretive dance devolves into mere spinning and giggling.

On Sunday, Mama spun herself so dizzy that it was all she could do to release the boy before he joined her in what may have been the most spectacular faceplant in the history of mankind. The floor, armed with a thin woolen area rug, leapt up and slugged Mama in the face while the pirate looked on in horror. Said area rug offered no buffer from the hardness of the floor but did contribute a lovely, oozy rug burn to the insulted area of her face. It's crusted over nicely. Mama is a special kind of pretty this week.

It hurt. A lot. I may have been mildly concussed as I had a couple of episodes of retching after this impressive display of grace and dexterity.

I invited my Facebook friends to please help me come up with a better story. Among the more inspired suggestions were:

  • I sustained the injury in an altercation with the Canadians during one of the hockey games at the Olympics. (I like this one. I could work "puck" in there and we all know what rhymes with "puck." I'm a sucker for word play.)
  • Several references to domestic violence. "I'm not a good listener" and "Supper was late." No, neither I nor any of my friends think actual domestic violence is funny. The notion that that boy I married might perpetrate it, however, is so out there as to be Monty Python hilarious. As is the notion that I wouldn't kick his skinny white a@@ if he ever did such to me.
  • And my personal favorite: I took an elbow from a stripper who was jealous that I had more bills in my t-back than she did.

My cheekbone still looks like the stunt double for the Pilsbury Dough Boy but the glorious technicolor has faded. I just hope the kids are not forever terrified of dancing now. They already have to overcome being Baptist. Adding risk to life and limb as well as the immortal soul can't help my case.


  1. And here I was convinced it was the Koala.

    I hope they are not terrified of dancing. Instead, hopefully they will learn that although sometimes you get hurt doing something fun, the hurt goes away in time. (Usually.) When we went skiing, my brother used to tell me, "If you don't fall down, you're not having enough fun."

  2. I take "dance like nobody's watching" to a whole new level. Maybe that will be the lesson that sticks!

  3. hope you are feeling better now!

  4. Thanks, Lee! Still sore, but much better than a couple of days ago.

  5. I think the truth is the funniest one. Seriously. I can totally picture it, since my son and I frequently engage in brutal dance sessions. My injuries (um... why is it always the mother that gets hurt?) have never been nearly as bad as yours, though. Yikes. Put a steak on that thing. STAT!

  6. Ouch!!

    Glad we know the truth. Let the stripper have some bills next time.

  7. @ Lydia: Oh, yeah. The truth is absolutely the funniest. It also assails my dignity in a fashion that I have not known since high school, when I performed the entire "poise and appearance" routine of the local Junior Miss Pageant with my dress unzipped. For the judging session.

  8. For that poise and appearance routine, the deduction on appearance should have been a bonus on poise.

    The truth on the shiner really is the best tale.

  9. I dunno. I like the stripper. Hockey is running a very close second.

    And who knows, perhaps that Koala is craftier than we all know. Perhaps there was a little claw action involved in the hurtling to the floor.

  10. @Pam: LOL! The judges had more fun. They laughed and laughed and nobody knew why until we got off stage and someone said to me: "Laurel, please tell me you just unzipped your dress."

    @Sarah: Way to stay on the same page. I liked the stripper story and the hockey story best, too. In that order.

  11. I have just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.